Embarrassing Confessions of an Introverted Mom (and the book I wish I'd had 10 years ago!)

"Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire!"

-St. Catherine of Siena 

Happy feast of St. Catherine of Siena! According to several online forums (obviously a definitive source), Catherine and I share not only our faith and our love for the Dominican order, but our very personality type. According to the forums and Pinterest graphics, Catherine's Myers-Briggs' personality would have been INFJ: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

Perhaps this is why everything I've ever read by St. Catherine has spoken to me so strongly. In particular, the quote above has--on more than one occasion--helped me make decisions that have changed my life for the better. If I'm faced with a hundred ways I could spend the day, I ask myself, "Which of these was I created for? Will it allow me to be who I was created to be?"

As an introvert, answering that question honestly means I often have to say "no" to some very good things. But I wasn't always so honest with myself. Even though I've studied personality since I was a teenager, I often saw introversion as a flaw to be overcome rather than a strength to be nurtured.

One of my favorite quotes from Jamie C. Martin's Introverted Mom

One of the worst days of my life (don't laugh) was about nine years ago, when my oldest was three and my second was one. My husband worked next door, but I still spent most of the day alone with the girls. Lucy was born an extrovert, and spent every minute of her waking day cheerily sharing every thought that came into her head. Zoe was one, quiet and sensitive--but one. I read dozens of picture books aloud, because that was easier than trying to constantly process toddler conversation. We did science projects and art projects and I cooked food and failed to keep the house clean, which drove me crazy because there was dress-up and building blocks and library books and crayons everywhere I looked. If you're a young mom...this probably looks a whole lot like your life. Nothing was wrong. My children were healthy and sweet, we were making enough money to meet our needs, we had a good home. But  most days, by the time Mark came home, I was at the point of tears. I'd always wanted a big family--and here I was losing it because I felt ambushed by the needs (and voices, and messes) of only two. On the particular very-bad-day in question, I didn't just cry when Mark got home. I sobbed. I slammed my bedroom door behind me and wept and instantly felt like a total jerk and major loser.

Through the door, I heard Lucy's wails and Mark's quiet voice: "Faith, I'm taking the girls for a walk. I decided I'm taking them for a walk every day when I get home so you can have some time to yourself."

I swung the door open. "No!" I yelled. "Don't try to make me feel like I'm not handling them properly! You don't need to take them away from me like I'm a bad mother!"

I don't need to record the rest of the conversation, do I? I was illogical, angry and ridiculous. Mark stayed admirably calm, but I know I must have been getting on his nerves. He eventually told me we could finish talking about it later, but that he was taking the girls out and giving me time alone. Whether I liked it or not.

It took about a week of him taking the girls out--and me not liking it--before I realized how my pride had almost ruined my ability to be a good wife and mother. I was not being who I was created to be. I was trying to be the peppy pre-school teacher of a mom that parenting magazines painted as the ideal (Pinterest wasn't really a thing yet, thank goodness). That wasn't me. That wasn't who God had made me to be. God had given me all the help I needed to be truly myself, but I'd turned my back on the help (and yelled, and slammed the door in his face).

From then on, to varying degrees of faithfulness, I learned to accept the help. Eventually I learned how much my introversion was a gift to my children, when properly nourished. But it wasn't an easy learning process. There were more doors slammed, more tears shed, and a lot of guilt. Sometimes I still fail...but I'm progressing. Most importantly, I'm learning to be okay with the failure.

If you now look anything like me then, step closer. I'm going to give you a gift I wish someone could have given me then.

First of all, this knowledge: it's not just you. Mothering littles ones is hard work. It's the best work ever...but it is so hard. Mothering as an introvert is draining and exhausting. You're not the only one who has slammed a door or cried in the bathroom or walked out the door as soon as your husband walked in, just for a moment of quiet. I'd venture to guess that most of you extrovert mamas know exactly what I'm talking about, too. We all need time to recharge and to remember what quiet sounds like.

Second, allow me to virtually hand you the book you need to read. (I know, I know, I'm always recommending books--but if you're an introvert, you're probably doing grabby hands already because, well, books.) Jamie C. Martin, of the spectacular blog Simple Homeschool, wrote the book my 24-year-old self desperately needed. Introverted Mom; Your Guide to More Calm, Less Guilt, and Quiet Joy feels like having a [calm, quiet, non-pushy] friend at your elbow, cheering you [gently and peacefully] on and reminding you that the way God made you is better than any imaginary Insta-mom you could dream up.

Besides a much-needed dose of encouragement, Introverted Mom offers you practical advice, along with real-life strategies to make it work. Arrange your days to allow for quiet moments. Don't always answer the phone. Learn when to say 'no,' and when to stretch yourself toward a 'yes' for the important things. And, much like St. Catherine, be who you were made to be. Jamie reminds you that your personality was given to you for a reason, to bless your children and the world; it's your job to learn to work with it, not to ignore it.

The finishing touch on an already excellent book is the sections Jamie includes on her favorite literary introvert mentors: Jane Austen, L. M. Montgomery, Louisa May Alcott, and Laura Ingalls Wilder. Which just proves that she knows how to speak to an introvert's heart. Because during those weeks of grumpily allowing Mark to take the girls for a walk, I found solace in Anne of Green Gables and The Blue Castle. When the two girls were joined by two more, I created a quiet pocket in the day by reading The Long Winter at lunch time. By the time I had six children, Eight Cousins and Emma were savored, page by page, behind a locked bathroom door. It certainly is a wonderful thing to be told that, even in that strange, random quirk, I'm not alone.

Best of all, I have a new literary mentor to turn to. Maybe we're both too introverted to ever meet up outside of the internet and the pages of a book (even though we both live in the same state ;), but Jamie C. Martin will be joining Jane Austen and L. M. Montgomery as my go-to friends when I need an introverted pep talk. (She and Catherine of Siena, naturally.) I hope you'll find her book as much of a treasure as I did!

Jamie's team kindly shared an early copy of the book with me, but it officially releases on May 7--just in time for Mother's Day! And when you pre-order Introverted Mom, you also get some calm and quiet goodies. :) Jamie's Spring Break for the Introverted Mom packet was a personal favorite of mine--but I haven't even explored the rest yet! Once you preorder (which you can do by clicking the image above), you can fill out the form here to sign up for the bonuses.

Let's have a personality chat in the comments! Are you an introvert or extrovert? What do you find most challenging or most rewarding about your personality? And what do you read when you're hiding behind a locked bathroom door? ;)